Fiddly Dee Revenge
by punkchick99
Summary: James Potter is going to pay. I swear on everything I know and love, that boy is going to pay. It's revenge time, baby.
1. Chapter 1

There is a slight possibility that I am going to maim him.

He is the stupidest, most idiotic, moronic, chauvinistic, dickhead in the entire world.

Honestly. Does he think he can get away with this?

I'm stalking down the corridor, on my way back to the common room. He is totally gonna pay this time. I let him off the hook before. But not this time. Nuh uh. They shall not sway me. Too harsh, they say?! No freaking way.

He deserves it, the great arrogant twit.

I've reached the Fat Lady now, and I can't remember the twatting password. That's just great. Just fine and dandy. How can I maim him if I can't bloody well get in?

Oh. And here comes Tamilda Frankers. Even better. Of course I can get the password off her, which is always a bonus, but this also means I have to converse with her. Now, you may think that I am an anti-social bitch, but this girl is annoying. No, she is beyond annoying. She is so frustrating that I often feel the need to curse her mouth shut so she cannot use it to further exasperate me.

But I don't. Because I am Lily Evans, and this means I must be sweet, smart, funny, and above all, compassionate and caring towards the younger children. Yuck.

"Hi Lily! Lily! How are you! I haven't seen you in a while! I saw you the other day at breakfast and waved but I think you must not have seen me because you walked straight past! Hey! Do you want to catch up sometime! Maybe go to Hogsmeade! I know this great place..."

And that was the point that I tuned out. Oh, of course I am still nodding, smiling, saying "Mhmm" at the right moments, but I can no longer hear a word that she is saying. Merlin, that girl can talk. And why does everything that she says have to be followed by an exclamation mark? I mean, even when she is directly talking to you, you can envision the exclamation mark at the end. Her voice just lilts up and down, up and down. Nobody should be this cheery. Ever.

Oh, oh, oh, she's slowing down. Voice is getting lower, trailing, stopping, ha! This is where I come in.

"That sounds great, Tamilda! I'm a little busy at the moment, but when the workload lets up a little, I'll let you know, ok?" I paused for a breath, poised to ask her about the forgotten password. Oh great. Of course, that fleeting pause was all she needed to start again.

"Oh, of course, I know it must be hard for you! I can totally wait! I mean, like, if you ever need any help or anything, just come find me, okay! I mean I can't do that much because I'm only in fourth year, but, like, if you need someone to, like, carry books or something, I can totally do that! I mean, just tell me, anytime..."

She's still going. I don't even know where she gets the ideas to continue. Or the breath. That girl must have ripper lungs, she can probably hold her breath for hours. I wonder how long? Maybe I should ask her.

Her voice is still at the high-pitched stage. She isn't stopping anytime soon. Maybe I should stop her? Nah. It'll only put that ridiculous 'I'm So Crushed' expression on her face, and then I'll have to feel bad, and rah rah rah. Hmm. This is possibly the most bored I have ever been whilst someone was talking to me.

Maybe I shall plan what I will to do that boy, that is, if I don't die of boredom before I can get to him. First, I shall crush him mentally. Oh yes. First, I will make a comment about the size of his...

Bugger. She saw me rubbing my hands together. Oh, and now she's asking why I was rubbing my hands together and smiling when she was telling me about the terrible death of her pet beetle. How on earth did she go from helping me to dead animals anyway? Wait, did she say a beetle? Ew. Why would anyone own a beetle.

Okay, Lily. Compassionate, caring face on. That's right, rest your hand on her shoulder and make sure you look a little teary.

"Oh, Tamilda, I'm so sorry! I didn't realise. I thought you said your feet were dyed, not that your beetle died. I am so, so sorry. I cannot imagine how devastating this is for you. If it is any consolation, I feel your pain, as once, I had a frog called Rupert that sadly, was killed in an accident with a toad. Truly, Tamilda, if there is anything I can do, you must only let me know," I told her, my voice sufficiently filled with emotion.

Excellent, Lily. She looks better, and she actually bought it. She actually thinks you owned something so disgusting as a frog, and that you called it Rupert. Now she's just starting to babble about her aunty who's friend's cousin's goldfish once had a blue frog that wanted to be a toad. Now you can once again continue your evil plan. No, wait, stop giggling. She can hear that. Giggle inside your head Lily, inside.

There we go. Okay, so after the mental torture, I shall move onto the indirectly linked torture. Now there are two approaches. Firstly, I can inform his gorilla-like friends of something completely awful about him – and completely fictional of course, but by the time they work that out, they will have told everyone. Or. I can use one of his moronic friends to make him jealous. Oh yes, I like that one. I get to have some fun, and punish him.

Stop giggling. You're doing it again. She's looking confused. She's trailing her words, stopping, stopping, no! Abort Lily, abort.

"I'm sorry Tamilda, but I really have to go see a friend about a very important potions essay. You know the Potions master, he gets a little scary sometimes! Oh! I was just wondering, do you by any chance know the new password? I seem to have forgotten it already, silly me!"

Kudos, Lils. You managed to speak her language with the exclamation marks, seem aloof, cute, and talk to her on a personal friendly level all the same time. Pure genius. Internal high five!

She smiled an unbelievably toothy smile that I planned to erase from my mind immediately, and answered me in an even more excited voice.

"Oh! Of course! No problem Lily! I'm glad I can help you! Anytime! The password is Flocustus Morala! Did you want me to help with that!" She's moving towards the bag Lily. Don't get possessive. Don't get crazy. You've done well this far. Don't blow it now.

"No!" I snapped, snatching my bag away.

Damn it. She stepped back, looking like I'd slapped her.

"Oh, no, no I'm sorry! I'm just a little edgy these days, you know, after the people that were stealing the stuff and..." I trailed off, looked at the expression on her face, and realised there was no going back now. She probably wouldn't forgive me for at least twenty minutes, and by then it would be all round the school that Lily Evans had slapped Tamilda Frankers with her bag or something equally ridiculous.

So I ran. Gracefully, of course. When the first years later said that I ran like I was a little disabled, with my hair flopping everywhere and my bag banging against my side, they were totally wrong. Stupid little children. Have nothing in life but their rumours and gossip.

Anyway, now I have made it through the portrait hole, and I'm stalking towards the fireplace.

I knew he would be in here, surrounded by his usual posse of under aged witches, begging him to talk to them, or sign their boobs . I walked straight up to him, pushing the goggling witches out of the way.

"Potter!" I barked, successfully getting his attention.

He turned to me, smirking, and I began to fume. He knows what he's done, and now he's smirking. Smiling. Grinning. That smarmy git. I am so mad right now! Oh dang it. The angry crying is coming.

No Lily! Stop! You know what the angry crying does to your beautiful face. It makes you red and puffy, and your eyeliner and mascara leaks, and oh lord it is pure tragedy. Okay. It's already coming, and he's still smirking at you.

"So, Lilikins, did you receive my offer? I did hear a high-pitched scream before, so I am assuming that you did. Is the answer still no, oh light of my life?"

Argh! Wait. Wait. We can fix this! Oh Lily, you're a genius! If this was a movie, a ninja theme would be playing right now to accentuate your geniusosity. Yes, that would also be a word created in the movie.

Now, let's turn up the waterworks.

"Yes, James, I did," I sobbed, aware that I looked a little crazy, "And the answer is definitely still no. No, I will not have sex with you again! I've told you a million times, you just don't satisfy me. You just aren't... equipped enough to satisfy my needs! And yet you still keep asking me over and over to go out with you! Well, Potter, I'm never going there again! So just leave me alone, and stop making ridiculous displays in the Hall! Because I am looking for a real man."

I delivered it perfectly. Absolutely perfectly. I sobbed, the tears were streaming down my face, hand gestures and facial expression were all tactful. The only slip-up was when I started to smirk a little – though, I'm pretty sure that he was the only one who saw it.

And his reaction was perfect. Oh, it was divine. I have that tingly feeling in my toes that I only get when I crush somebody. First he continued to laugh at me, thinking I was having some kind of mental breakdown. But then, as he realised where I was going with it, his face began to fall. And fall and fall and fall. And then, finally, it plummeted. Oh, the satisfaction. And the girls around him? They didn't stick around either. Initially, of course, they were protective of their Quidditch King, closing in on me, and muttering insults. But then, as I got to the bit about his... inadequacies, they started to edge away, until none remained. It was beautiful, a masterpiece.

But now. Now he is just glaring me. Maybe I should back up a little. I mean, he would never really hurt me, I know, but there's no need to continue. I've gotten what I want.

Yes, let's back up Lils. So I turned around and walked towards my dormitory, head in the air, swiftly whipping tears away from my face, smiling a little.

When I reached the top of the stairs, I quickly glanced back to my audience.

Most were staring at my retreating back, the room silent, expressions filled with awe. I stole a look at Potter.

He looked crushed. Why the hell did he look crushed? He knew I was lying, I haven't even seen it. Ah, well. My job here is done anyway. Screw phase two. Mission complete.

Fiddly dee, revenge!

I almost skipped towards my dorm. Almost.


	2. Dastardly Dashing Dickhead

**A/N: So, even though I got barely any response at all, I can't help but churn out more for this one. Hopefully I get a little bit of feedback, cos you lot love me. RIGHT?? C'mon, add to the self esteem bucket. I shan't beg. I shan't beg. I shan't b- PLEASE! Ahem. Anyway. Chapter Two. READ IT AND WEEP, SUCKERS. Oh good one. Offend the readers.**

**Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own anything you recognise. **

I woke up feeling good. Which is a rarity, believe me. My morning face generally resembles the Wicked Witch of the West, rather than that other one with all the white sparkly clothes. Yeah, that's right, I keep up with the muggle movies. That movie was fantastic anyway, all Dorothy had to do was click those sparkly shoes together and she got to apparate to the place with the yellow road and the little elves. I always wondered why they called those elves munchkins. Oh, well. She had totally cool shoes anyway. Mm, sparkly.

Anyway. I'm feeling good right now. I've showered, done all the necessary boring morning things, and I've got my robes on. I'm on my way down to the Great Hall, walking with my head in the air. As usual. You could even call it sauntering. I mean, if you've got it, flaunt it right? And I've sure as hell got it.

Ah, self affirmation. Works every time.

"Lily! Lils! Wait up you scag!"

Who the hell is that, calling me a scag. What's a scag anyway? Oh! It's Hailey!

"Hails!" I squealed ever-so-loudly, jumping on her and hugging her tight.

She stared at me, pushing me away at arms length and staring into my eyes.

"Lily. Evans. What have I told you about taking those uppers in the morning. Honestly! If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times," she started, and I could see her getting in the zone for the Big Lecture.

"Oi! Scag! Or whatever you called me. Save the Big Lecture for someone who deserves it! I definitely did not take those uppers, or whatever you so graciously call them. I am past that now, I am mature, grown up, adulty!" We both immediately cracked up, Hailey repeating 'adulty' as she attempted to breathe.

"Anyway, I really didn't take any. I've just had a very good morning so far."

"Lily, we haven't even reached the Hall yet. How can you possibly be in such a good mood? Unless... You had a good night last night!" It was as if something had suddenly dawned on her. Her face crinkled up and she was smiling so hard that her cheeks were bunching up and I was a little afraid that she would actually stop breathing and then I would have to perform mouth to mouth and her breath would smell and then she would blow up and turn into a balloon Hailey.

"You got some action, didn't you!" she squealed, letting all her air out quickly. Thank Merlin. No balloon Hailey today. Wait, did she just say action? Oh, dearie me.

"Wait, wait stop," I yelled over the top of her as she started to wonder aloud who it could be, "I didn't get any bloody action, sadly. I did however, get a little revenge on a certain Bighead."

I grinned to myself, remembering the night before, when suddenly we stopped. She had put her arm out to stop me! How rude. Imagine if I had kept going, and her arm and stayed there and I had been walking fast and her arm was really muscley, like rock hard guns or something, and then she had ruptured my spleen! Imagine! Dear Merlin, some people these days.

"Lily! Lily! Snap out of it!" she yelled, snapping her fingers in front of my face.

"Geez, woman, what do you want? You could have ruptured my spleen you know!"

"Um, yeah, sure, spleen rupturing is my calling. But seriously. You didn't play some ridiculously immature and possibly horrible prank on Potter again did you? Because you know where it landed you last time?" she started, the Big Lecture voice recurring.

"Detention," I chorused with her, fake yawning loudly.

"Nah, don't worry, this time there's no way any teachers heard. And Potter would never tell, even he has more class than that," I told her, pulling her along as I walked towards the doors to the Great Hall.

She just rolled her eyes and started to lecture me again on the importance of keeping out of trouble, especially as I was Head Girl, and we had to sit exams, and this was our last year, and bla bla bla. Whatever. I plan to keep my life interesting, thankyou

We walked through the doors to the Great Hall, and a waft of foody smell hit my nose. Mmm food. Eggs, bacon, potatoes, toast, oh merlin, carbalicious. I am so there.

We went to our usual seat at the Gryffindor table and sat down, all the while Hails still telling me off. She needs to give it a rest. I love her to bits, but she honestly needs to let her hair down a little.

It was when I was reaching for my second plate of pancakes that someone tapped me on the shoulder.

Being the good natured person that I am, and expecting an annoying first year, I slapped on my best fake smile and turned around, saying "Yes?"

Behind me were three first year boys. I knew it. I wonder what they want? An autograph maybe. Probably to ask me out. They're only a few years too young, Merlin. You'd think they'd try for someone their own age.

But suddenly, they did the most unexpected thing.

They started singing.

"Love, love, love," they chorused, all in some insanely in-tune harmony.

"Love, love, love," they continued. How sweet, they're serenading me.

"All you need is love," Oh it's that Muggle song by the Beatles! How cute. Ha! On the 'doo doo doo doo doo' bit, two more little first years popped out from behind them. This is highly amusing. I think I'll grab my pancake and eat it as I watch this.

I turned around to quickly grab my pancake, when my eye caught someone else's a little way down the table. Ew, Potter. I was about to avert my innocent eyes from his hideous face, when suddenly he smirked. Then stared at the singing first years, then back at me, then at the first years, then waved to the first years.

I turned to look at them. They all waved back, and kept singing.

Suddenly, I was mortified. Potter had done this. It wasn't the first years madly in love with me, Potter had paid them off to embarrass me. That little beepface. I'm going to kill him. But he can't know that. So instead of launching myself across the table and attempting to strangle him with a pancake, I shall keep my composure and continue to smile good naturedly at the evil singing children.

A few seconds after I made this resolve, Hailey nudged me.

"Why are they singing? And why do you look like you just ate Potter's sock?" she whispered, trying hard not to talk over the serenading trio.

My face automatically fell into a grimace at the mention of his name, and Hailey leaned back into her original position, looking a little worried at my sudden change of expression. Oh, she should be worried. They should all be worried. Muhahaha. Okay maybe the muhahaha was a little far. Scratch that. Okay. They should all be worried.

I got up to leave, suddenly having lost my appetite. I pushed past the first years, not too violently (yet), and walked out at an average pace, making sure that Potter knew he had no effect on me whatsoever.

But something threw me. And you know what it was? The bloody first years. They followed me. And they are still following me. Singing. And following. Following me, and singing. Singing! Right, I'm going to have to tell them where to go.

I whirled around to face them and they came to an abrupt halt about a metre behind me, looking a little scared but still singing. Potter had obviously paid for the best.

"Listen boys, this has been lovely, but Potter's gotten what he's paid for, and now I would really appreciate it if you left, as I have a Potions class to attend." I said this as sweetly as humanly possible, and I could tell that they were about to melt. Well, the two on the sides were. It was that smarmy little middle one that ruined it for me.

The other two kept singing, but he piped up over the top of them, "Sorry miss, but Potter hasn't got what he's paid for. He paid for a whole day, and for us to miss all our classes for the day. You're stuck with us." That snarky little git. I've half a mind to just wring his scrawny little neck.

No, Lily, no. Don't hurt people whom can't fight back. That's just low. Wait a couple of years until he's hit puberty, and then m'dear, we will get our revenge. Oh great, now I'm talking about myself in third person. Bloody hell.

"Fine," I snapped, and spun on my heel rather fantastically. Potions class, my ass. I will drop these stupid easily bribed children somehow.

I stalked up a staircase, around a corner, through a door, a couple of empty classrooms, straight into a huge crowd on their way to classes. I weaved through the crowd keeping a low profile, and I thought that I had lost them. But then, I heard them. "James wants to hold your ha-aand," they crooned. I'm going to kill Potter. No jokes this time.

I was running down a huge staircase, with absolutely no clue where I was going, when I bumped right into the devil himself. The culprit, the criminal, the dastardly dashing dickhead.

"POTTER!" I screamed, resembling a banshee.

He merely stared down at me, grinning charmingly.

"Yes, oh beautiful one?"

Oh. Don't even Potter. Don't even try to dazzle me you insufferable git.

"CALL THEM OFF, POTTER! GET THEM AWAY, OK? I GET THE BLOODY PICTURE!" I screeched, this time resembling a rather sick banshee as my voice cracked a few times.

His grin widened and I had a sudden urge to smack it off his face. Just as I was about to act on that impulse however, Potter grabbed my hand and kissed it.

He. Kissed. My. Hand.

I may actually throw up. If it were any other person of the male species, it may have been sweet. I may have even been flattered. But Potter. POTTER. Even the word Potter just makes me want to self-combust or fly to Norway or something.

I grabbed my hand back and wiped it on my robes, making a face at him and proclaiming my disgust in a loud manner.

By this point, we had gained a crowd. Didn't we always? Well, this needed to be settled once and for all.

I grabbed Potter's hand (yes, I did retch a little) and pulled him into the nearest classroom, shutting the door behind me.

"Now, Potter," I started, in the calmest voice I could muster, my teeth gritted so hard that they might have possibly fallen out, "Can we please stop this now? I have definitely had enough."

"Of course we can, Lily darling, my rose, my flower," he said, sucking up disgustingly.

"Ugh, whatever. But, seriously? Truce?" I asked, refusing to hold out my hand so that he could give me even more diseases.

"Yeah, truce," he said, his voice a little more normal, but the smirk still there, "But, you just have to say one thing."

"Oh, whatever, as long as it's over." I knew what he was going to make me say, but I didn't care, because no one was around, and nobody would ever find out that I said it. Ha! Bet he didn't think of that. No proof whatsoever.

"Ok," he said, grinning like a damned stupid Cheshire cat, "just tell me that I win."

"Okay, James, you win," I said, giving him a wicked smile.

His face fell a little. "Really?" he asked, looking a little confused.

"Yep. James Potter, you are the fairest of them all. You are the bees knees. The cat's miaow. You get the gold medal. You win!" Ha. Take that, golden boy. You have no proo-oof na na na na na na. Wait.

What was that.

Was that... A giggle?

"Did you just giggle Potter?" I asked, looking up at him. He was beginning to laugh, however the giggle sounded too girly, even for him.

"The bees knees? Really?" he said, chuckling.

"Yeah, whatever, who giggled?" I asked, ignoring him and turning around.

Oh.

Dear.

Merlin.

This wasn't an empty classroom.

Not. Empty.

Full.

Full classroom.

I feel a little faint. There is an entire class of sixth years in here. And the teacher. Oh of course, Binns is bloody asleep isn't he. There's a class. A class. People. Witnesses.

WITNESSES!

They heard me say that Potter was the bees knees! THE CAT'S MIAOW!

Holy. Shit. I'm going to go throw myself in the lake.

Goodbye sweet world.

**A/N: REVIEW BEETCHES!**


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